Feeling for more restful positioning I drag my body across the other side of the bed finding the coolness that I had anticipated, but still the switch in my mind will not turn off. Moments drudge on to hours and the more I reposition myself the more I know that this is yet another nightly charade; a hopeless battle.

Years ago I would crawl into bed with either one of two ideas floating around in my subconscious, I would be thinking about nothing, and fall quickly asleep or I would be thinking about sleep and negotiate my mind to forget this idea and fall asleep soon thereafter. Tonight is not that easy. I was recently told that this is common among those in my predicament, one freshly made single, but that I do not entirely buy. I am no fool to my own feelings and to say that I am over it would be wrong, but not entirely. I am not losing sleep over what is lost; rather I am losing sleep over what I am to do next. I am a sailor misguided by the stars he so trusted, and now redirected to a course of more fruitage. In the back of my mind though, it still lingers…the truth I mustn’t let be made known.

I am not afraid of the dreams, no; despite the frightful events I control my dangerous mind elsewhere upon revival. It is always the gun, being shot and having the understanding of a madman throughout it all. I see things I shouldn’t see, and I know things I shouldn’t know. Haunting? I think it might be. Always the same ending though, why is that? And always so clear in my head - the faces so real that I can visualize them perfectly hours after it happens. If it weren’t for the truth I know, this could have killed me by now. Knowledge only allows me to grind away at truth, but clear three hundred sixty degree understanding brings an otherwise rough life to a shiny polish. I know that the truth is she was incorrect. She saw the wrong angle and made a tough decision. I cannot nor should not fault her for this; after all it gave me what I needed to know: whom I could not trust.

It must be the trust that eats away at me. All too long have I not trusted those around me, and to give myself away in less than a year was a stupid move. Unfortunately there is no going back, so this leaves me with denial, a mask to cover once again who I am deep inside. A man can far too quickly punish himself by giving way to a false love. You toss aside what is told to you. One always knows better than anyone giving him advice until that advice is thrown back in his face by the very fool who gave it to him. A fool I was, now learned I continue on to give myself to someone else…someone more deserving. I awaken to the body of a great many people, each searching for what they know they cannot find. That being someone the same, or at least with many the same attributes. I will lose out, that is certain, but the loss is not centered on me. Sad to think of how others will suffer for the action you suggested them. I knew it was coming long before I made the suggestion anyhow. I simply added a few points to my pride by offering it when I did. Would I do it again, and if so, when would I have thrown the first stone?

If given the opportunity to go back in time, I must say, I would do it in a heartbeat, not to make things right I must have you know. To make things right would imply a soul desperate enough to want back in. I don’t want back in, not for all the Guinness in the world. I became better that day though I did not realize it immediately. I became better because I came to trust myself more than I trusted her. I found what was right even though what was right was the path I had just volunteered to step off of. A sad mistake yes, but who wants to travel a path with one who cannot see two steps before their eye?

I catch myself thinking about my next companion more than I should right now. To maintain footing in an uncouth future it is a must that I not let yearnings get to me before schooling is firmly in my grasp. Though strong and determined, I am behind in the race of wisdom and it will take more than a year under my belt to prove what I must prove. She underestimates me for the desire to shoot back, and yet already the workings are already being put in place for something far more devastating. If it were I that came up with the plan, a fate of prison and the electric chair would find me, but it is not I. The reigns of control were handed over when love was thrown away and I must step aside now and casually watch.

It took hard experience and unbearable sadness/loneliness to finally understand what it meant. For her it will eventually take the same. The same that I once swore I would never wish upon my worst enemy. My worst enemy, hah! Irony dances upon the table of misfortune and here I am presenting the music. For what I wish was the last time, I must awaken from the dream. A second and a half will pass and I will become a brighter light than I was the afternoon before. Everything is distant, everything is quiet. Rounding the corner I take one last drink of the tasteless clear liquid, all the while knowing what comes next. It happens every time. Turning my head up I see the girl. She is not radiant, but she is beautiful. Words emerge from her mouth, but nobody has ever heard them. The room freezes and a blur is directed to the west. Before it hits me, one last thought of wonder enters my mind. Who is this that I am so struck? The bullet hits.

Instantly the world around the illusion disappears and is replaced by emptiness. Nothing is around but the floating bits of knowledge that make them known to your annoyance. Feeling the pain now in my chest I look down to see the flowing blood…I never believed it. Only wisdom can cut the flow now. In desperation I pick the knowledge surrounding me. The pain slows. Then all ends. Not a story. A truth.

Posted in: on Saturday, August 05, 2006 at at 6:18 AM