And so here I sit, a blanket of darkness surrounding me like the deep dark cavern dweller that I am, and as the glow of the screen and the tap of the keys engulfs my focus, all subconsious is concentrating on one thing: the long night ahead.
It is a sad reality that I have become accustom to, me finding out that the day lacks a certain interest and so I waste my time in the dark hours seeking enlightement when in all seriousness wisdom comes mainly from discipline. I know this, and so does my mind. After months of tearing myself apart living as a night owl, whether is was due to work or not, I have learned, though not put into practice, the control it takes to create understanding in the 24 hour day I am used to. The first time I stayed up for three nights straight, I thought that reason was a tool of the devil and sleep was nothing short of the hell he dwells in. For a time it made complete sense. If the day is not long enough then what is to stop me from refusing sleep. This is what your mind will tell you, though deep inside you know the answer before you spend months in the land of late night television submersed in constant insomnia. The truth of the matter is, that if you can't find happiness during the day, will slowly let your mind believe that happiness must come from the night, just to give yourself an extra day to work things out.
Let me tell you this from personal experience, granting yourself an extra day of alone time by using the night is the completely wrong way out, though I would never stop anyone from trying it. There is something to be learned by experience and I dare think that sometimes experience is the only way for some to learn. It was that way for me as well. Tonight, however, it is not more time for learning or thinking or even meditating (thought that actually sounds quite nice). Instead, tonight is a night for catch-up on a completely different level. It is only a week until classes and little has been occomplished on my behalf regarding final preparation. Using this time for thought and understanding would only put me off the path I am already on.
Tonight I am happy, and really this whole week I have been so. Strange as it may seem, I think I have conquered a war before it has begun. I know my strengths, and though it was that very thing that put me down in the past, I am using it as a spring board now. By taking a third party view to all that has happened I see what unfortunately very few have seen; the reasonableness that stubborness overshadowed so long in my life. Not exactly being the sort that is carefree, no, those types are taken advantage of and do not see the whole picture; rather I am understanding...filling shoes of ones I have only surface comprehention of. Why swallow what we wish to rid ourselves of when we can face it head on and conquer it.
I must say that I have little strength to stand up to a pressing problem in my family right now, and perhaps I am wrong to shrug it off, but there is something inside me that would rather hold on to pride. For my parents and sister, the 'I told you so' would grant them favors I'd rather not have to pay right now, or ever. Once I am away they can swallow the truth however they like...the only thing lost would be their trust in me and a nights sleep. As for you know who, well she can take the thought however she likes. Perhaps she thinks nothing of it, perhaps she things everything and more of it. Regardless of what she things, my life goes on seemingly uneffected. I have a right and a duty to maintain my thought processes on the matter, which preserves my grasp on people and their game.
So, with happiness I leave this fruitless post, because I finally know contentment and I am not content at all with it. Soon I will be on my way to greater opportunity, greater paths, and much greater women. With that, I'm out.
Posted in: on Friday, August 11, 2006 at at 2:07 AM
