This is where I stood in my youth: the average child, comfortably cushioned between the fools and savants, though I never imagined it at the time. The aspirations I had, rather, who I wished I could be, was an enormous goal indeed. But to say it was a goal is laughable. I never set any effort into this supposed goal nor did I ever intend any. The reasons why are simple, but the implications ran much deeper. I could correctly say that I do not wish to blame myself for my educational shortcomings, but I could do so justifiably. Let me reason more straightforward.

This all begins with a minor flaw in a parental discipline. When my parents were younger, they met upon quite a distant spread of schooling. My father was the astute, though not disciplined, reader, avidly pursuing the classics in literature and philosophy. I do not gather that his studies were systematic to any degree but merely pushed by his curiosity. Unfortunately this curiosity was restricted by several influences, namely an unmedicated bi-polar condition that went unnoticed by his parents. If not for this, he would have undoubtedly gathered more control in his continuing education. In the end, however, it was fear of compromising his beliefs that lead him astray in what he chose to study and what he chose to reject.

My mother-in shorter words-was quite different. Not one to vary in her fields of study, she eventually narrowed her loves for too few things. From a young age she seemed to have a love for nature. Along the way she found her niche with birdwatching and became quite complete with her repertoire of sightings. Second, her love for God (or perhaps better put, her love for faith) gave her a road to follow, a difficult one, but one that gave her life structure and meaning. She never had reason or need to look outside her life box, never even heard a swear arise in her mind. The only appropriate description is naivety. I do not say that harshly, but in a way that I feel sad that she has never experienced such things. But these things both allude to my own upbringing.

Finalizing my first point, both my parents set themselves apart from common education. They agreed that basic education was necessary and important, but little more was said. When all came down to the upbringing of my sister and I, too much was assumed. Growing up I was constantly told that I should take schooling seriously, but the only help I received at home was from projects that required crafts or technology, not vocabulary, math, rhetoric or other more important issues. I learned early on that if I denied help I would not get it. Eventually, I wish they would have realized that they should stop asking and start doing. Actively participating in my education, answering my questions and giving me a scholastic path to follow. The assumption was that I would just pick up the skills necessary. That being said, I never learned the building blocks of learning. I simply make due today by using logic, but I still have no acquired, useful map for getting from point A to point B in anything. This became apparent in even the most important issues with my parents.

Fundamental to my younger years was my education concerned with religion. The greatest gift my parents gave to me was their example. Even when they would fail, they would show me how they failed and help me understand how to be a good Christian through humility and observance. This has been the backbone of my life. This is why I have been able to attain the average that I have become. So drilled into my conscious was this training that today so much of my good-versus-evil understanding is purely instinctual. (forgive me for using that term so loosely) This instinctually trained conscious has been the hardest thing to break in my recent conversion, so much so that it gives me my greatest doubts. What I lack in it's stead is the path needed for deeper Theological studies. Evermore, now that I have declared my life to God, I see how much I lack in the tools to Theology. What I need now, more than even basic Church doctrine, is a guide.

From this point I could trek into countless pages of my learning inferiority, but for the sake of sanity will leave it to just a few trifling points of interest.

Concerning intellect, as I have said, I am average. The trouble, however, with being perfectly average is how much you can know by not knowing. The greatest things I have discovered in all these years of life is that I know precisely enough to figure and understand the breadths of what I do not know. This can be scary indeed. Much like a child feels on his first sighting of the Grand Canyon, the innumerable fathoms of emptiness can quickly take hold of the unsuspecting soul. Many times in these past several years I have almost been taken by this emptiness, tempted even by suicide. To be free from what I do not know seemed the greatest blessing of all.

The easiest way I can explain this feeling is by the comparison of three readers. The first reader has been raised liberally with libraries surrounding them. As they grow older they acquaint themselves with the classics, the unknown, the good, the bad and the indifferent. When they have grown older they are able to pick up a book and immediately critique it's content, style and function as they are able to critique their own written works; accurately. The second reader is raised cavalierly, taking from one genre and then another, but not being submersed into anything. When they have grown older, they pick up a book only to agree that it's style or content is good or bad according to what they have been accustom, if the content or style is higher than their reading ability, they simply dismiss it as poor or not understandable. The third reader, where I place myself, has been raised with a similar reading list to the second, but rather than growing older and critiquing according to their own abilities, they critique according to the first readers' standards, knowing what is good or bad even great, able to highlight the wisest points made by the author, the most shocking statements, but never purely understanding why such passages are wise or shocking or even knowing what they mean. It makes a person quite sad and lonesome knowing that something can be so immensely beautiful, but never being able to see the beauty they describe. The blind must have greater understanding of this than myself. What do they feel when told of the radiance of their mates smile or that look that reveals fortunes of understanding. They must know it is true, but they can never see it for themselves.

Memory. For me memory, or the lack thereof, is second to lacking a guide in education. Literally read material only to forget the entirety of what I have read days afterward. Once again, I can know that a book was trustworthy, accurate or beneficial for a certain purpose, but ask me to tell you how in simple terms and I can not. My temporary patch for such faults is to remember where I found good information, know that it was true and accurate or the very contrary and believe that I believed such things while I was reading it. For example, I was interested in deepening my understanding of Marian doctrine, a topic I have been wanting to study more in depth for a few years now. Recently I set out and gathered a pile of material on the topic. In the course of a week I went through the entire collection and sorted fact from fiction, accurate from inaccurate. Deeper still I acquired a healthy basis for what I could learn in the future, giving myself a foundation in Marian doctrine and giving myself much to meditate on. Now, weeks later, I know what I believe about Mary, can perhaps explain the basics, but am hopeless to discuss the deeper theologies that made Mary to incredibly beautiful to me. I know that she is beautiful, I know that she is faithful and true and I know that I can seek comfort in her, but I cannot for the life of me tell you precisely why.

I am very tired and since I hate conclusions, I will stop here. Forgive me, I had something good in mind, but I am too ill-equipped to type it out.
Cairdeas!

Posted in: on Friday, August 03, 2007 at at 10:35 PM