What would Freud say to my dreams. I had another one last night in which my dad shot me. I recall a post I made on August 5th, 2006. It's nearly a year since then and I can't seem to stay alive in my dreams. This time I remember being in a small room with my family. I stared at them for a long time not speaking. I think I was trying to convey some understanding to them, but I don't know what. For just a moment I turned aside and in the same instant hear the shot ring out. It was to the head this time, but when I reached my hands up I could not feel the wound. Quickly I realized that this was because I had lost feeling to my hands, then to my arms, leg then the entirety of my extremities. I collapsed on the floor in shock and waited for death to come. All feeling was going away at last leaving only my heart beating. Eventually that faded as well and I knew I was weeping though I couldn't feel the tears. I laid in an awkward pile on the floor, my legs crossed and twisted with a certain lack of animation. Just as I started to feel myself go out I felt my heart beat once, and then twice and then into a steady pattern. I began breathing again and opened my eyes.

Often in my sleep I will dream of being breathless and suddenly wake up because I was really holding my breath outside my conscious. When I dreamt I was dying I must have stopped breathing on the outside. That is what woke me up. It's a little scary these repeated dreams of being shot or stabbed or crushed. It's not scary for the pain, but for the whole calmness of the event. Every time I feel finally relieved to have everything over with. I wait for the light to go out, but the other side never comes. I always wake up just before it happens.

Posted in: on Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at at 11:23 PM